I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
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People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF