You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
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*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM