I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
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All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
This made me chuckle.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?