How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
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Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Gemma Correll
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.