My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
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When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Ferrari squats
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Oceanography is all about current events
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!