Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]