[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
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Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.