I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Don’t snitch tag.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand