I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
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My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.