4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
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Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
those birds must be on payroll
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.