My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
The honesty is refreshing
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
If I ignore life will it go away?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.