This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
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Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right