this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
You Might Also Like
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
*watches the world burn*
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.