I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
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Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.