Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
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I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
If looks could kill