angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
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Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
(Jupiter –
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.