The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
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“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said