One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
You Might Also Like
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
How dramatic are you?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it