Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

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I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)


[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.


My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.


one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]


Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.


[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

You'll die soon


Hold on I have another call


6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower


I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.


You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives