@nicfit75

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

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@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

@

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

@sofarrsogud

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

@ch000ch

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

@AbbyHasIssues

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

@Reverend_Scott

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

You'll die soon

“OMG HOW”

Hold on I have another call

@Chhapiness

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

@jawahomer

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

@EmSlyce

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives