Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
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Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!