“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
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I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
PLOT TWIST:
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.