(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
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[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.