Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

Mad Max: Furry Road

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”