When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
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how to screw with your cat’s head 101
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I am never leaving this website
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
How your email finds me
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.