When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
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My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
There’s only one good girl here!
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again