All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
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I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?