If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Danger is very dangerous
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks