50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
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I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”