Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Shower sex be like:
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears