I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”