*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I feel attacked.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm