the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Saturday
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.