the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Don’t talk down to me
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Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Taking phone security to the next level.
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Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
iPhone X
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits