[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
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I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Jurassic park gets weird
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.