He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
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*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.