[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
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Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
The French cow says MEUX…
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Lmao
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”