Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
You Might Also Like
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick