The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
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I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Bros before Ohioes
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.