I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
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Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”