One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You Might Also Like
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok