Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Bruh PLEASE
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Just a friendly reminder!
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
2022 will be better than 2021