@TitansHomer

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

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@ComicLover_94

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

@iwearaonesie

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

@NYC_Blonde

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

@leesheyy

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

@trevso_electric

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

@Coolisiana

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

@skullpuppy11

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

@sweetg35

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.