MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
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“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.