I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
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A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.