absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme