Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
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[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.