Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

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Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.


I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.


Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left


“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”


She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.


I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches


In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.


Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.