captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.