When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
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I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.