When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
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Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Born to be mild.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”