Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
You Might Also Like
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Every time.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.