I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
My kitchen overserved me.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.