I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
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I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing