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Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.