I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

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My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”


[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?


How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.


hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car


Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.


“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”


Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”


There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.


Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.


If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.