@womenshumor

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

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@velvettusk

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

@InternetHippo

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

@david8hughes

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

@ch000ch

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

@mykicksizclean

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

@daemonic3

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

@daniel_shaw

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

@RockabillyJay

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

@WilliamAder

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

@AVenezuelan19

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.