I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
accurate
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Sign at work today
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.