Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
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The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
can’t believe I got front row seats
This squirrel eats better than I do
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.