I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

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‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”


Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.


If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down


I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.


“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church


I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.


Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy


[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.


Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others