I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
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At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Never forget.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12