Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
You Might Also Like
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.